Category Archives: Frivolous verse

A rival of the cream of Sheba


Play A rival of the cream of Sheba. Copyright © 1748 George Frideric Haendel

Havin' a larf?
It's a tureen of Sheba.
I shall haz barf
With me belly full of old fur ballz.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha
Bring me a dish of the cheeze-covered burgerz;
No cutz, slicez, prime-flaked micez,
Chunks in wavy streamz of gravy
Plucked from the counterz at Waitroze
When the new Range Rover's brimming over
Full of tasty goodiez for the two-legged fuddy-duddiez
With their bottlez of vin doodah and their posh organic quinoa
They can shove their packs of Sheba up the land of Entamoeba
Give me rendered cattle, cheeze in a bun
Or watch the fun.

Can't get the staff—
It's a bowl full of Whiskaz!
I shall haz laff
With their curtainz and me own sharp clawz.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha
Where is me fix of the cheeze-burger lolness?
No wet pouches from cheap slouches
Crunchy dry stuff reeks like stale guff
Grabbed off the pallets at Wilko
When the rusty hatchback's full of six packs:
Fizzy own-brand lager for their shotz of Meister Jager
With their content-boasting tablez on their reminiscent labelz
And their two-for-one on offerz for those dozy cheap-fag cougherz
Give me phat cheeze burgerz, nine out of ten,
Or face the Hun.

Another cliché country song

A serenade for Valentine's Day

And here is a picture of a traditional
Valentine gift (plant genitals):

Daffodils. Copyright (c) Isobel Smerdon 2015 (with permission)

Play Another cliché country song. Copyright © 2017 Pathematica

Another dawn, another high,
Another sun to reach the sky,
Ain't nothin' for spoilin' the view.
Another chance to sing along,
Another cheesy country song,
Ain't nothin' so lovely as you.

Another mess of love to spend,
Another Valentine to send,
Ain't no one so thoughtful and true.
Another chance to sing along,
Another corny country song,
Ain't nothin' so perfect as you.

Another day, another night,
Another chance to get it right,
Ain't nothin' that I'd rather do.
Another chance to sing along,
Another cliché country song,
Ain't nothin' so worth it as you.

Another note, another rest,
Another push to do my best,
Ain't no one that I'd rather woo.
Another chance to sing along,
Another good ol' country song,
Ain't nothin' so precious as you.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Double negatives noted (pedantry
temporarily suspended for artistic
effect; you old romantic, you).

With all my cardioid

Love on the spectrum. How much do I love thee?
Three π on two

r = 1 - sin(θ); 0 ≤ θ ≤ 2π


Play Coordinate transformation. Copyright © 2017 Pathematica

Exactly how much do I love thee?
Without your love, my heart is empty.
Love for you fills up my core.
—lub dup lub dup lub dup—
Every beat cries out for more.

… So, how much do I love thee? …

Love must attempt the mensuration;
A cardioid invites summation.
Rectilinear forms won't play
—Abandon orthonormal axes—
Polar systems, show the way.

Let's model with the function:

Radius, r, equals one minus sine of the
Angle of θ with range
(Closed interval):
Nought below
Up to
2π.

… Drum roll …

A double integral is taken,
With element of this summation:
r dθ times dr
—We must respect the proper order—
θ shall be summed before.

… Evaluating limits …

Integrand after the first integration
Is 2πr minus nought r;
Limits about
Half⋅r squared⋅2⋅π:
Three π
On two.

?Ahhh?

Q-E-diddly-D

~~~~~~~~
It's all about the timing …

Bella Punica

Just before a Punic war
The Romans practised several score
And sometimes more of plays on words
While marching with their hook-nosed birds.
By sorting words in ranks of punny,
Legionnaires grew skilled in funny;
Launching waves of witty boli
Sharpened with their gladioli;
Skirmishing with thrust of pun
Before Augustus spoiled the fun.
So, Coriolanus, entertain us
With some jokes about Uranus.

Rainbow

Red and yellow and pink and green
Purple and orange and blue
Can you see what happens
When art students
Write a song for you?

You listen with your ears,
You smell things with your nose,
You taste with your tongue—it's true,
It's not rocket science; let your vision
Paint the words for you.

Red and orange and yellow and green
Blue and indigo, violet too.
Can you hear what happens
When a physicist
Rights the song for you?

Cover up your rods,
Exercise your cones,
Let the ganglion cells accrue
Spectral information—
Radiation
Sends its profile through.

Rell and rellow and yellow and grell,
Brellow and blellow and blue.
Can you dream what happens
When a dichromat
Cites the song at you?


Play I can sing a rainbow

Season's beatings

Copyright © Isobel Smerdon 2015
Wintry scene. Copyright © Isobel Smerdon 2015

Play Festive cheeseboard

Christmas is coming; get Nash to Resus stat!
Do your appraisals for the bureaucrat.
If you're late with your appraisal, a flogging is due.
If the bag you're into's flogging, then join the queue.

I'm getting out of Dodge

Boar's head erased (scottish heraldry)

Play I'm getting out of Dodge. Copyright © 2016 Pathematica

Brexit stage right, pursued by a bear

I'm getting out
Of getting out;
There's no doubt
It will be a rout
So I'm getting out of
Dodge.

Everyone's now obfuscating;
Boris, Mike and Nige are waiting
For
Our plan.
Who's got it?

Messages on big red buses
Now elicit oaths and cusses—
All the world expecting something
From the hollow soundbites of the
Bullingdons; oh, Bullingdon,
What have your ox-brained old boys done?

I'm getting out of Dodge—
Going down the lodge—
I've got more things to
Go and bodge
I'm getting out of
Dodge.

Everyone's confabulating;
Merkel, Jean and Nic are waiting
For
Our man.
Who'll cop it?

Promises of wads of Rheingold,
Pups and PPI were missold—
All the world expecting something
From the nibelung 'un of the
Camerons; oh, Cameron,
You've gone and göt a dämmerung.

I'm getting out of Dodge—
Off to make a splodge—
The caput apri
Mocks my todge
I'm getting out of
Dodge.

Right.

Spots

Leopard. Copyright © Isobel Smerdon 2015
Leopard. Copyright © Isobel Smerdon 2016 (with permission)


Play Leopard. Copyright © 2016 Pathematica

Richard's aunty Vee, intoned sagaciously,
"The older that you get, the more like yourself
You become". The seeds of ageing graciously
Are scattered on the rocks of hapless youth.
If only I had nurtured, there, the germ
Of devoir faire invested in that truth,
Perhaps I would have made some wiser choices:
A more discerning pardine pelt; a sober
Take on existential siren voices
That versed the whelpling pup in venial tricks.
Now dotage has arrived as Vee averred,
With ground-in spots and bent for chasing sticks.
N'importe quoi. Though Que sera s'est arrivé,
The old dog knows the leopard had its day.

My love

Grumpy Lady. Copyright © Isobel Smerdon 2015
Grumpy Lady. Copyright © Isobel Smerdon 2015
(with permission)


Play My love. Copyright © 2015 Pathematica

My love is like an iridescent hue—
A coruscating haze of orange, red and blue;
A parlous transformation certain photons rue
That face destructive interference.

My love is like a bowl of comely fruit,
Whose shiny, dimpled, waxen pericarps impute
The bitter mesocarp, that hints the more astute
Should give sour endocarp due clearance.

My love owes beauty, cold and statuesque,
In graceful poise evoking perfect arabesque
With classic virtues, recrudescing Romanesque,
In worse excesses than Octavian.

My love has feathers in her coiffeured hair—
A monstrous, non-cladistic, bird-brained hybrid pair,
Her rostral pole chimæric with the derrière
Of some denuded ratite avian.

Love is kind, so some would say,
Love falls blind where lust holds sway,
Love makes victims look away
From hard truths plain to those not trapped.

Love entices and cajoles;
Love hides dark pernicious goals;
Love makes fools of desperate souls
Whose caution, sense and hope are sapped.

My love is like a lake of shining gold
Resplendent as the blazing sunset shades unfold
Concealing mysteries the tempting waters hold
That trap its victims in the deep

My love is like a cool enticing draft
Perfected by the grim apothecary's craft:
A nectar-sweet concoction, pleading to be quaffed
That brings about some witless sleep.

My love is like a rich melodious air
Provoking passion in the hearts that dare
Then lures the stricken to the siren's lair
To meet with fate upon the rock.

My love is like a velvet honeyed trap
That works its deadly art upon the rising sap
But hides its deathly purpose till the cold jaws snap
And bleak conclusion turns the lock.